In the Immortal Words of Lindsay Lohan

Thursday I went to Rumors Comedy Club - holy man! How many jokes about shitting your pants can someone make and you still laugh until you cry? Can't beat free laughs...those are the best kind. Thanks Kelly & Cephas!

WORLD NEWS: I had my first beer yesterday. Yes, this is the honest truth. I had a Moosehead. I realize now that I haven't been missing out all this time...chocolate martinis are still the way to go.

Dammit, why does it feel like family gatherings happen every few months? Oh wait, it's because they do. Can I kill myself now from overeating? Curse all you lovely mothers, aunts, and cousins that prepare such deliciousness that I stuff my face until even the fattest guy in the room is staring at me, bug-eyed. Curse all of you! Monday I begin my diet...yes...Monday.